Facebook cuts deep...Gone With the Wind style

I never realized how bad facebook can be.  I am not talking about my addiction I have to it, I am talking about the new profile they redesigned to show pictures of the albums friends have.  That really isn't bad but let me explain a little bit. I am going through a rough part in my life that some know about.  I really don't need to be telling everyone my business but what are blogs for?  And I did say that I would change names so that the people that I do write about will be protected if the others who read this don't know them... but this is a part of my life that I can't burden on anyone, so no graphic details will be given.

Anyway, getting back to what facebook did to me today.  I woke up and as usual logged on to FB and was going to write on a friends page and what was the first thing that I saw... A picture of my soon-to-be-ex-husband. :o(  I haven't seen him or a picture of him for a couple of months now and was doing really good until today.  I didn't cry but I could feel my heart crack... right back in the same place that had started to mend.  When will I be able to not feel this pain?  When will I be able to see a picture or see him and not feel like the day that he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore?  I feel like I want to just break everything around me to make it stop!  But it won't change anything.  I have to just learn how to get over it but until he is completely out of my life, I can't get over it.  I am still married to him because neither one of us can afford a divorce.  I know I am going to get a lot of people telling me how to do it but that is easier said than done.  YOU don't have to go through this!  YOU probably have the money to do it!  I AM NOT A BANK!  I have to live on what is left of my paycheck for two weeks.  I now have to save up for another clutch for my car because it burnt out on Dec 23rd, and that isn't CHEAP!  I still have to clean up the mess he left me in, and HE gets to do whatever he wants because he runs from all of his problems and he leaves the mess for others to clean up.  Sorry, but I hear from everyone how quick I can "get rid of him" but they don't know what I am dealing with.  How can they tell me how to fix it if they don't know what I am going through?  So please, don't tell me how to go about getting a divorce.  I know how to do it but until you contribute to the "Leigh Anne Divorce Fund" please keep your quick fixes to yourself until I ask for help.  I know that sounded harsh, but I am just tired of hearing from everyone on how to "fix" my life.  Just let me take care of me and if I need your help or advice, I will ask.

A friend of mine made a comment about my favorite movie of all time, Gone With the Wind.  She said that I was playing Scarlett.  GOD I wish I had her strength!!  But just thinking about the movie made me realize something.. what I am going through is the complete opposite, I am playing Rhett, without his millions, haha.
Let me break it down for you... Rhett fell in love with Scarlett, and did what he could to make her happy.  Scarlett had friendly feelings for him but never truly loved him the way she should have.  He bought her things that she wanted, did what she asked, and never said anything because his love for her was what he lived for.  Meanwhile, Scarlett was madly in love with Ashley but he didn't feel the same for her, he loved Melanie.  Scarlett bent over backwards to show her feelings for him, but he didn't pay any attention.  In the end, all the characters finally realized who they really loved and everyone lost the people they loved.  Ok, that was the movie.  Now let me show you how similar my life went.... now the ending is going to be different, but the beginning is kinda the same (Now I am going to use the character names in the way it pertains to my life, even though the genders are going to be mixed up, so I hope I don't confuse you too much)...  I met "Scarlett" and fell really hard.  "Scarlett" told me he loved me and I believed him.  So I preceded to make him happy by buying the things he wanted, working really hard and being the person he wanted me to be.  We marry and try to build a life for ourselves.  We have our ups and downs like any couple going through trying times.  I finding out later, "Scarlett" still has feelings for his ex "Ashley", but was told by several of "Scarlett's" family, there would be no way "Ashley" would ever take "Scarlett" back.  "Scarlett" and me, "Rhett" went through our own civil war and I thought our relationship was going to be stronger because "Scarlett" had promised me things were going to change.  Well, I fell for "Scarlett's" charm once again.  Then out of the blue, unlike the movie, "Scarlett" left me for "Ashley".  This is where Rhett is supposed to say, "I don't give a damn," but in my story, Rhett says, "What just happened?"....my story is still continuing, but in the movie, the Real Scarlett says "I will think about that tomorrow" and goes off and lives her life.  Why can't I be SCARLETT????  Why can't I just push everything aside and move on?  I thought I was doing so much better, but one picture pushed me right back to the very second my heart was obliterated! 

I feel better now getting some of what I am feeling down, but my heart still has a little bit of pain.  I don't want to not be friends with the facebook friend that had his picture because we are kinda close.  But I don't know if I can look at that friends profile anymore because of what I might see.  ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Why is this so hard?!?!?!?!

Well I have to go to work now.  I am going to find the strength to get through this but don't expect me to be smiling today.